Thursday, 23 August 2012

Cinema GOONS

Nothing for about two weeks then two blogs in one day eh how amaze. Well I have had to write this one out of pure frustrations and ragingness. I dont even think thats a word.

Being as I had such a good time watching Magic Mike (pre post) I decided to give the cinema another go but with a not as fit film....TED. Im not raging about this but more the whole cinema experience I have had to put up with. 

First off was the actual hassle to even get passed the initial pay stage. I think the girl behind the counter had just put in for the job that day after getting no GCSE'S cuz she didnt know shit. She just kept looking at me smiling with her head to one side.  I HAD TO ASK for the price, an actual ticket, a drink - I mean did she want me to pay her wages an all.

Next was the bunch of frigging chavs that leered and shouted there way up the stairs and sat directly in front of me. They were giving it the lairy behaviours about when TED thrusts at the chip and pin machine although I reckon these lot would of tried it with a letter box. The worst was that they did not shut up all the way through and laughed like hyenas on speed even at the bits that wernt funny.  Even mouthy Sam rolled her eyes.  Worst of all though was the fact one of them had Kappa trackies on.  I didnt even think these still existed never mind got worn.  Its a bad mark against the country of Wales which was why I hoped they would fall down the stairs on there way out. I dont think il ever get that two girl back to back slogan out of my mind now.

Last but not least was the fact one of me other mates nearly choked on her popcorn.  Coughing and spluterring all over me I kept pushing me bottle of water in her face to drink. Talk about ashamed everyone was turning around probably thinking she sounded worse then the chavs.  She reckoned she went blue but obviously with the dark she could of been green I wouldnt of noticed.  Eventually she took me advice of "get outside im missing this" and dissapeared for ten minutes.  She was quieter when she came back.  But as I always say popcorn is a danger so let it be a stranger.

Peace x


Its been a while......

I havnt posted lately for one main reason. My computer (the slag) decided to get infected so my world was turned upside down.  I may as well have caught the virus as well.  Now I know why that band is called Rage against the Machine because thats what I did for about two weeks until it was fixed. I tried writing a new post of my phone but I gave up as it kept missing out letters as if I was pissed eg hllo evry oe. Never again. Terrible start to the month.

The good thing though is that iv been off work (proper happy at this statement obv). Anyone who works with the public knows you have to book most of August off or face being sent mental by the little ASBO devil children that are off school. I dont have any sprogs which makes it worse when they are screaming for a moshy monster (wtf are they anyway) right at the side of you.

For me having time off means lying in bed till about 2pm (cuz im a disgrace) and going out on nights I would not even entertain normally like a Monday cuz you want to make the most of being drunk.  Problem is a Monday round here involves about two pubs and five people and you will genuinly see a tumbleweed going past. Another thing I have found myself doing is watching the endless stream of reality tv. Im getting through Housewives of New York and Orange County, Bridalplasty (shocking) and a day time repeat of Big Brother by 11am. What happened to the old favourites like The Bill and The Queens Nose (I would of give anything for that 50p and she didnt even wish for Chanel). 

The housewives one made me depressed cuz they were buying yachts and having botox injections. Brag Brag. If your on the dole dont watch it cuz trust me you will be fuming.  Big Brother is starting to wind me up like a clock for one main reason.  Im wondering why people keep calling that RHIAN (said rheee aaa nnn) something else like RHEEN (said reeeeeeen).  If she has requested this pronunciation it only justifies my thoughts she is a doughnut. Bridalplasty was without doubt the worst thing I have ever watched in my entire existence and iv seen people dancing to Cotton Eye Joe. Women completing tasks to have cosmetic surgery as a prize and standing with a bandanged up post surgery nose for eliminations.  Only the Americans could go this far because our closest version is Dont Tell The Bride. 

Luckily for me I am going away soon as I realised I couldnt spend the entire time watching this shit.  Being as I hate the heat (pre mentioned) and love hanging about gays im going to the one and only Brighton.
God only knows what will happen on this venture but trust me it will be in a blog in the near future.

Peace x


Saturday, 11 August 2012

Its a long hot WHAT

People dont half love a hot few days in this country mainly cuz it rains for the other 360 days of the year. The sun shines, the birds sing and the chavs start filling up every beer garden invented. Everyone on this isle is happy except that is for ME. 

I am going to sound one miserable bint but I cant actually bare the heat. I like ice, snow, rain, hailstones, hurricanes you get the picture like. As soon as I hear the word "heatwave" I go in a right old raging mood. Think Mcenroe in that tennis match. "You cannot be serious! 20 degrees!".   I know how Michael Douglas felt in that film when he just went proper mental cuz he was stuck in traffic and it was boiling.

To illustrate my point of why I find this weather as annoying as Katherine Jenkins (forgive me Wales ) see below.

1) Clothing is one epic BLAG when the sun shows itself. It takes me ages to find something to wear as im not blessed with a size 6 frame so putting on a playsuit or a pair of shorts leaves me in a cold sweat then a hot sweat cuz of the friggin weather. So I dont give in and wear jeans while sweating like a vicar in a brothel at the same time. Its a slippery slope especially when your putting one of those flowers in your hair that was in style in 1998 to look a bit "summery". Give me October and a knitted sweater anyday.

2) The heat doesnt just ruin my life here oh no it halts any chances of a decent holiday which means I have no REAL TAN. Me mates dread to ask am I going on holiday cuz we all know unless its booked for April or October (ie coldest months) theres no way im going. They all hope i say "naaa you go and have a friggin ball girls". They wish.  So there we are surrounded by the 60+ brigade watching a parrot show in Benidorm. Needless to say they hate me especially when they see Ibiza in July with its twenty thousand madheads and shit hot clubs. Oops sorry girls.  To be fair though they know they would have a proper boring time without me.

3) The heat doesnt just bring out fit people it brings out all the mingers that smell of BO and have 6 foot long underarm hair. Also wearing a "lick this" vest top with an ice cream on when your approaching middle age is just bad for the soul.  Or the ones who think its ok to wear those proper u.g.l.y sandals with velcro or flip flops. This is even worse as it is coupled with my other hatred of feet which is another story.

4) The worst factor of all though is where I work. Its the food selling equivalent of a greenhouse and I cannot cope with the soaring temperatures inside it. Coupled with this comes what seems like 50,000 people in a mass riot buying charcoal and kebabs. I stare at them with evils hoping it starts pissing down as they light the coals. 

As I finish typing Sian Lloyd (legend who went with that one who went with a cheeky girl) informed me its going to go proper rank next week.

I smile inside


Peace. x  

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Shes in fashion...oooh oooh urm maybe not

I am at a loss to describe what I think lately of womens fashion. Welsh birds have always had a good eye for style and on the whole look friggin good. There is always the odd dodgeball who lets the side (country) down and its even worse when they dont realise they look baaddddd. Instead they walk round flicking there hair and smiling at themselves as you glance down at there furry lace up boots and cringe to the depths of your soul. Look in a mirror love its not a hard thing to do. My main gripe these days is those horrible print leggings that remind me of being on safari or even worse those cheap ones that have no pattern and all you can see is the girls a**e cheeks. Its vile. Next is those tops that are like bra's but about 1cm longer.  Girls they make you look like your waiting on a corner for business so PLEASE dont wear them. Think classy, stylish, chic and not trashy for the sake of yourselves as well as my poor eyes.

Being as im all into me fashions I will give you a few tips for what is hip, hop and happening over autumn and winter.  Its not a complete catalogue dont get excited as this is a blog and im only a normal bird not her out of Devil Wears Prada.  But still it will give you some idea. If you are the leggings wearer from everything I have suggested and be ashamed of yourself.



Peace x

Saturday, 4 August 2012

To fake or not to fake that is the question!

I am what I call a "Pale Warrior".  Think of that Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud or maybe a shade darker like Casper the friendly ghost and you have got a good idea of me colourings.  I have not been blessed with the fit dark looks of Catherine Zeta Jones even though we are both Welshies (raging I am).  When me friends say we are going out I raise me eyes not because I dont want to go (haha dont be silly im a social butterly) but because I know I am going to have to spend hours changing colour shade from looking like I spent a week in Rhyl to a week in Turkey on a heatwave. Its not easy but im a girl and we like a challenge.  In those days where I was a beginner I tried the 7 minute holiday also known as a sunbed.  I had all the warnings but I took no notice and went ahead until the day I had a panic attack in the stand up one and thought id gone blind.  Then I realised me goggles were still on.  I knew then it was self application for me cuz I could not of been assed going through them hassles on a daily.

Depending on what night il be dancing the Grease megamix I begin with 26 gallons of moisturiser rubbed in so I feel like a basted chicken going in the oven. Then its time for the tan which smells wierd and makes me look like I have not washed in three weeks.  By this time us girls look right sites but we keep on going anyway putting more on incase we still look 'white'. Then I add another layer for luck (really its cuz I know me mates do it and who is DARKEST wins). Mouthy Sam always go wrong with this though cuz she forgets to do all over with the luck layer and her arms are always darker then her legs. She reminds me of one of those dip dye dresses. Then comes walking like your doing the monster mash dance as you hobble to do ANYTHING. Keeping your head up like when you do the doggy paddle save having a neck line. Looking at your tanning mit after all this agro you realise it could be mistaken for being burned on a fire its thats black.  Thats how you know you have done a good job and put enough on your actual body.  Its hard work and lads deffo would not be able to cope. As a little guide for those who may read this blog and have never tanned/want to tan cuz you are also a pale warrior here is my little list of tried and tested.

There is nothing saint about this crap in a bottle.  Cheap, Bargain bin makes you look  like a washed out brown rag. Makes you itch like a cat sitting on a nest of fleas. URGH

A step up of from above but still not Welsh style good. It streaks if you dont rub it in like a friggin maniac getting a sweat on.  Too much like hard work.

Well obv I was expecting major tan miracles but I did not get them.  Its good but not amazing. And if you are a fake tan newbie then leave this till you are more experienced. (I make em sound like a man)

That bird out of TOWIE has brought this out.  Its not bad. You dont need a lot cuz I caked it on and ended up looking like a lindt chocolate bunny. Doesnt streak. Smells nice not like a rich tea...maybe a hobnob.

By that other chick Maria Fowler from TOWIE. I gota be honest this is me favourite.  Went on well nice and smells like something you want to smell of not a product of cadburys/mcvities. And you dont have to do the monster mash dance and you look better then your mates WIN WIN!

Now go forth and be tanned or tell me your horror stories!!


peace x

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Magic Mike to Tragic Dave

You would think Wales would be full of well lush men because there is loads of famous fit people from here.  Me main man Giggsy, old favourite Gav Henson (except for the tan he went to far) and lovely Kelly Jones from the Phonics. Oh I.  It pains me to add this traitor on but Steve Jones is not bad either howevs frigging off to America and leaving behind the Rhondda I got no time for him.  I am gutted to say thats where the lush list ends and it certainly dont start down my end.  My local mens idea of a date is taking you for a subway deal of the day and a cookie for desert, they got no idea. (To be fair if it was a subway melt id be on it like a car bonnet).  I needed a bit of excitement from somewhere and low and behold it hit me like a ton of coal.  There I was trying to boof me hair up when I accidently sat on me tv remote and it went down a channel I was tutting like no tomorrow until I seen the advert.  Channing Tatum was dancing at me from this new film and he looked a treat, so did his mates. I took this as a sign of interventions and blagged my birds to come the piccies.  Off we went the same night prepared to the max with our Drench bottles and multipack crisps from Discount UK cuz we were not paying Odeon prices. They are thieves! 

The film was strip strip strip it was deffo good cuz none of us spoke to each other for 2 hours and that was saying something being as mouthy Sam was with us. She would talk in a funeral. It was deffo the best film iv ever watched and iv seen the greats like Finding Nemo and Legally Blonde.  The film finished and we was gutted. After all that thrusting/strippingness going on we got it into our heads we could find a lookalike in town.  Now I look back them crisps must of been spiked cuz any other time I would of been creased at even thinking this was going to happen.  I knew the local talent was lower then that girl got that Flo Rider kept harping on about. Off we went though obvs high as friggin kites.

We was too late for our usual start off bar so we had to go further down the street which meant people were going to be more pissed then us.  Horrendous times cuz you need to be drunk to put up with another drunk cuz they end up doing your nut in. We walked in and got on the £5 for 5 shots I always end up with the minging fruit salad I was raging. I took it anyway and gulped down me Malibu to block it out cuz then I felt like id had a bounty but in the shady lights I seen him approaching.  Not Channing but some strange one with long hair.  He was waving at us like a wierdo and I dropped me eyes to the floor cuz u dont make eye contact with these nutters.  He asked could he get us a drink and that his name was Dave frigging hell not another one (il explain all that again). Well my birds were all over him like a welsh cake and it was not a cheapy bar so I got me order in with him.  He got us all a round and carried on talking about mad stuff like going to B and Q. None of us knew why like we just nodded.

 I asked him where his friends was and he said he had none. I knew then it was game over and we had to give him the brush off. I gave the signal and we moved slowly away while old choppsy herself Sam kept laughing her head off at him like a tool cuz he was getting her shots.  She was showing me right up all for a sambuka.  Then she started telling him we been to see Magic Mike carrying on the convo while winking at me doing a shot impression (no shame). Dave pipes up 'oh I know what thats about girls iv seen him on telly' laughing away as he starts to swing his hips trying to be sexy but he was making me bad. He was dancing around all of us like we was poles and shouting dead loud IM MAGIC MIKE, IM MAGIC MIKE while he unbuttoned his dodgy green shirt and asked Sam to rub his chest. I was creased then cuz her face fell like one of them boxer dogs. Then he was thrusting himself in our directions. I nearly fainted just so I would not have to carry on seeing this sight.  I was fuming . Even the chavs was laughing at us with there combovers and I was going as red as a welsh dragon. We had one option and that was RUN out the door and not look back as he kept shouting "IM MAGIC GIRLS". Yeah black magic the dodgy wierd kind.  Thanking me lucky stars we did not see him after that cuz id of put me jacket right over me head but he prob went to B and Q or is still stripping somehwere as I write this.

Moral of me story dont go the Odeon to see hot strippers and then for a drink cuz you will be proper dissapointed

Peace x


Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Working 9 til 5

I hate my job. Its the most boring thing in the whole of the world never mind Wales.  I have to sit on a till and speak nice to loads of wierdos every day.  Iv tried other jobs like being a barmaid but im baaaaddd at pouring a pint which is shocking considering im a Welshie. Plus I was talking to the fit lads and ignoring the old mens orders. Them old geezers had it in for me anyway cuz I thought Dominoes was just the pizza place at first and I used to smile when they lost the pub quiz ha ha ha.  

Then there was the time I tried being a 'photo girl' for my local club.  Id spend half my day and night getting ready with shit loads of lip gloss and backcombing my hair like Amy Winehouse (RIP) just to ask did anyone want there photo taken and put in a right cheapo keyring.  I would not of bought one myself but the pissheads thought it was dead smart. I gave up that one though because I had to stand outside for two hours with a big carboard arrow above me saying "photo here". I could not take the shame and there was loads of perves out trying to buy ME and not the keyring. "Il give ya £50 for a feel babe" Urgh get out my life you freak this isnt and £50! Cheek!. Thats the tip of a big old iceberg of jobs and here I am stuck in this one.  Theres as much chance of me getting a new career as Ashley Cole has of being faithful (no offense Chez I still do all your dance moves). 

Heres some of the strangies I have had to deal with while working in this right shit hole.

First there was JUNGLE MAN. He was about 70 and mad as a box of welsh frogs wearing a holey knitted jumper and ORANGE shoes. He did fight in the war though he said I dunno which one like. Then he started telling me about how he had ended up in a jungle somewhere for loads of months and could probably kill with a pen or survive with only a stick and a leaf  I thought big up to you pal cuz id need a lot more then that but he was still mad.  Plus id only asked him did he want help packing.

Then there was MRS JONES.  I aint pally with her like I only knew her name cuz she had it in big gold writing on the front of her top. To be honest I thought that is proper chav love id of been ashamed if it was me. I only thought that Chrismas catalogue did that on dressing gowns. When she spoke she had some right Simon Cowell snow smile going on she deffo wasnt a normal Welshie cuz we got tidy teeth anyway so we dont have crap like that unless your that Imogen Thomas (urgh).  Then she asked me could she have her bag of COTTON WOOL in its own bag cuz she didnt like it with anything else. This woman had more probs then her top I reckon.

Next was DRUNK SKUNK.  Oh my welsh days she was like proper hangin. I wont lie I was creased looking at her but I had to keep a straight face until she had gone away. It was only 13:00 hours but she was swaying in the queue like me at a Shirley Bassey concert. Diammonndds are foreevverrrr ANYWAY. By the time I got to her she was proper doing this mans nut in behind her cuz she kept staggering back into him and saying SORRY MATE like well chavvy.  She then started telling me about how she was gutted her boyfriend had left her and took there staffy dog called Pixie  (after Lott) with them saying she wasnt seeing her again. I thought to myself I can see why he has done one now get away from me.

Last but not least was Frank. He didnt have a white chav t shirt on like he just told me his name.  I  think he took a right shine to me cuz I told him I liked his red hot nail varnish.  Yes a long haired, bearded man with bright red tallons.  Then he started telling me how he wanted to wear make up and could I help him with colours. Well am not being funny but I dont get paid to be a make up advisor so I told him to go to Boots. Give them snobby cows something to do. 

Can it get any worse. Probably